I don't normally use this website to talk about my personal life - unless however it is somewhat work related. But today - I am.. So I apologize. I'm in kind of a funk lately.. In fact - I've been in kind of a funk for a little while. I met someone a couple of months ago that I really started to like. Our relationship grew - I knew there were things I really, really liked (he made me laugh and smile, he really understood my job, he wasn't intimidated by my sometimes overly opinionated mind, etc) and there were things I didn't like. I won't list those (it just seems petty). As time went on - our feelings developed. He used the "L" word. I didn't know what to say. I was so taken back by the fact that he said it first - with no prompting. I felt like I had finally found it. Then Sunday came. We spent the day together yesterday - and today - I'm trying to figure out how to not let my guard down and let him in and sabotage it. The last couple of weeks have been hot and cold. He attributes it to 'we fight because we care'. Last night's good bye kiss didn't feel like I cared. I felt like I was kissing a fish. Am I being overly critical? Am I looking for something to be wrong? I wonder if I am setting it up to fail before it ever has a chance to make it on its own.
I'm not sure - but I think I have a huge problem with commitment. I'm fine until I feel forced to spend time with said person. My family has always asked what my attraction to men that didn't leave near me was - and I never could answer that honestly. I think I've figured it out. I think I am terrified by commitment. I love talking to people... I like men that stimulate my mind. The rest follows in suit. But when that relationship has a chance to become tangible, I freak. I don't mean freak out like I clam up, get nervous, etc... I mean I totally change who I am. I make every excuse to push them away. I find a way to keep my distance and keep myself guarded. I pick fights. I find every little thing wrong with them to convince myself to not like them. You would think I had a horrible childhood, witnessed a bad marriage. But I haven't. My parents have been happily married for 30+ years, both sets of my grandparents well over 50. I just don't get it.
I was emailing with a friend of mine who is married and has kids and I said I have a lot of great things in my life - amazing friends, a wonderful family and a great job that allows me to be creative and intellectual at the same time. I get to travel. I get to meet interesting people. That being said - I wonder how the other half lives. What is it like to have kids? Or to have a husband that you love and loves you unconditionally? What am I missing? I know I'm missing out.. I get that.. But am I not only missing the wonders of that love... But am I missing the commitment gene? Was I born defective? Or is it that I haven't met "the one".
I think believe in soul mates - there are too many happy and amazing marriages for there to not be "that one". Right?
I'm on a quest.. Not to find "the one". If it is meant to be - it will find me. Time and patience. Time - I hope I have plenty of, but patience - I don't think I have that much of that. But I have to figure out what the hell is eating at me. I know I have been through some crap. I know Jacob left me broken. I would have though after four years that would have fixed itself. I have lost count of the great men that have walked into my life and I've pushed right out the other one.
My heart is heavy tonight and my brain hurts from thinking. I need a bottle of wine and some House, M.D. to fix what ails me.