Confusion

I don't normally use this website to talk about my personal life - unless however it is somewhat work related. But today - I am.. So I apologize. I'm in kind of a funk lately.. In fact - I've been in kind of a funk for a little while. I met someone a couple of months ago that I really started to like. Our relationship grew - I knew there were things I really, really liked (he made me laugh and smile, he really understood my job, he wasn't intimidated by my sometimes overly opinionated mind, etc) and there were things I didn't like. I won't list those (it just seems petty). As time went on - our feelings developed. He used the "L" word. I didn't know what to say. I was so taken back by the fact that he said it first - with no prompting. I felt like I had finally found it. Then Sunday came. We spent the day together yesterday - and today - I'm trying to figure out how to not let my guard down and let him in and sabotage it. The last couple of weeks have been hot and cold. He attributes it to 'we fight because we care'. Last night's good bye kiss didn't feel like I cared. I felt like I was kissing a fish. Am I being overly critical? Am I looking for something to be wrong? I wonder if I am setting it up to fail before it ever has a chance to make it on its own.



I'm not sure - but I think I have a huge problem with commitment. I'm fine until I feel forced to spend time with said person. My family has always asked what my attraction to men that didn't leave near me was - and I never could answer that honestly. I think I've figured it out. I think I am terrified by commitment. I love talking to people... I like men that stimulate my mind. The rest follows in suit. But when that relationship has a chance to become tangible, I freak. I don't mean freak out like I clam up, get nervous, etc... I mean I totally change who I am. I make every excuse to push them away. I find a way to keep my distance and keep myself guarded. I pick fights. I find every little thing wrong with them to convince myself to not like them. You would think I had a horrible childhood, witnessed a bad marriage. But I haven't. My parents have been happily married for 30+ years, both sets of my grandparents well over 50. I just don't get it.



I was emailing with a friend of mine who is married and has kids and I said I have a lot of great things in my life - amazing friends, a wonderful family and a great job that allows me to be creative and intellectual at the same time. I get to travel. I get to meet interesting people. That being said - I wonder how the other half lives. What is it like to have kids? Or to have a husband that you love and loves you unconditionally? What am I missing? I know I'm missing out.. I get that.. But am I not only missing the wonders of that love... But am I missing the commitment gene? Was I born defective? Or is it that I haven't met "the one".



I think believe in soul mates - there are too many happy and amazing marriages for there to not be "that one". Right?



I'm on a quest.. Not to find "the one". If it is meant to be - it will find me. Time and patience. Time - I hope I have plenty of, but patience - I don't think I have that much of that. But I have to figure out what the hell is eating at me. I know I have been through some crap. I know Jacob left me broken. I would have though after four years that would have fixed itself. I have lost count of the great men that have walked into my life and I've pushed right out the other one.



My heart is heavy tonight and my brain hurts from thinking. I need a bottle of wine and some House, M.D. to fix what ails me.

Love... The unconventional route.

So many of you know I've been fostering a dog since April. His name is Amos Moses. I named him after a man of the cloth. Actually... It's a Jerry Reed song. But it is definitely one of my favorite songs by him. I thought originally I was going to keep him - because I fell in love with him. His personality is something else - he watches Animal Planet (AP for future reference) every morning while I'm getting ready (no, really - he actually watches it). This morning I was getting ready and there was some show on AP and it was about weird animal sex and his head was tilting back and forth. Like he was really getting in to it. Anyway (that was a huge rabbit trail) this dog is so hilarious. He's a great dog and I wish I could keep him. But with my travel schedule, living alone, and the additional travels with this Leadership Program it is nearly impossible. Because if I were to keep him - I'd be home even less and he deserves to be in a home that is loving and can give him the attention he deserves.

I got a phone call on Monday telling me they think they've found Amos a forever home. I almost cried! I guess when we decided to post him for adoption and there weren't any "hits" on his page - I wasn't worried about losing him so soon. After all, who knew you could become so attached to a dog that you didn't think you'd have forever anyway. I had thoughts of fully adopting him recently - trying to figure out how I could make it work. I thought it all figured out when I received the phone call. Part of me was excited for him and the prospect of his new home and part of me was so sad and quite frankly, I don't have the heart to tell the soon to be adoptive parents of Amos that I really want to keep him. They seem like great people. They're a bit older, retired and from the sounds of it really need him in their lives after recently losing the second of their previously rescued Cairn Terriers. I wish the best for them... They're coming to my house on Saturday - and if they like him... They get to take him with them. It really makes my heart heavy to think about him leaving... that day no less!

There are lessons in life... I guess this one is - we chalk up to loving someone or something you're willing to give them up so they can have a better life. I have a new found respect for parents that give their children up for adoption (saying that - our family has been so blessed with two amazing children that were brought to us from God via the birth mothers). I know my experience is nothing along those lines - and is not as deeply emotional and "tough", but I can (on a very small scale) understand how they come to make those decisions.

And now for my PSA - if you're looking for a puppy adopt from a shelter! Those dogs are greater recipients of love than others. Simply because it will be the first them they ever truly experience it. I'm not sure if I'll ever "foster" again... but I am certain - when I go to look for a puppy or dog - I'll certainly look at a shelter or a rescue organization first....